NO' RABBIE BURNS

Poetry the bard would not have put his name to

By Stuart McLean

160x120mm • 128pp • £5.99 • PLC • ISBN 978-1-906051-24-2 • September 2008

NO' RABBIE BURNS is a collection of Scottish poems definitely not written by the great bard.

Rabbie Burns is indisputably (well we're certainly not disputing it) Scotland's favourite poet. Indeed he's ranked amongst the world's greatest poets of all time. Born in Alloway on the 25th of January 1759 to poor farming parents he wrote prolifically from the age of 15 until he died aged just 37. In his short life he produced many works of pure genius: "Auld Lang Syne", "Tam O' Shanter" and "A Red, Red Rose" to name but a few.

However, the poems in NO' RABBIE BURNS were, if you haven't already guessed it from the title, not written by Rabbie Burns. They are the poems that he might have written if he were alive today (and had changed his style and subject matter somewhat), ranging from "Picts Rule", "Owed to a Bank Manager" and "Tae a Wee Fat Bastard" to "Phone Moan" and "The Big Issue Seller"...

www.No-Rabbie-Burns.com

To a Vegetarian Haggis

Oh go'en hide yer sleekit face,
Great charlatan o' the pudding-race!
Ahin them a' ye tak your place,
Onion, lentil, and baked beans:
Weel are ye wordy o' great disgrace,
As lang's my arm.

Ye Pow'rs, wha mak mankind despair,
And dish them out their bill o' fare,
All Scotland hates yer stinking ware,
That smells like lavvies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer,
Cowp yon veggie haggis!

Ode Tae a Bumble Bee

Wee hoverin', fleein' ferlie fello',
Wi' yer stripes o' black and yello',
Yer ever sae bonnie, so ye ur,
Like a spring lamb - only smallerand withoot the fur,
But see if ye ever sting me oan the bum again,
Ah'm gonnae jump on yer heid so Ah um.