TALKING BOLLOCKS!

Totally Stupid Everyday Remarks

By Professor R. Lingo

160x120mm • 144pp • £5.99 • PLC • ISBN: 978-1-906051-18-1 • June 2008

TALKING BOLLOCKS! is a particularly useful guide for aliens wishing to infiltrate our society, to help them comprehend the diversity of drivel and utter mumbo jumbo that comprises our everyday vocabulary.

Ours isn't the only language that enables people to talk absolute nonsense but for now here's a collection of 52 bollock-brained English-language phrases, ranging from irritating answers such as "How long's a piece of string?" to pointless questions ("What, none at all?") and meaningless sayings ("Have a safe flight", "As sure as eggs is eggs").

"YOU CAN'T TURN BACK THE CLOCK"

"No, you shouldn't have acted like a prick. Unfortunately, you can't turn back the clock."

Just cast your mind back (as if your brain were on the end of a fishing line) to those Saturay nights/Sunday mornings every late October. You are, in fact, compelled to turn back the clocks, and what's more it's very simple. Unless, of course, you possess one of those awkward little fuckers with tiny screws at the back which need completely dismantling thanks to some twat of a clock designer who lives by the creed "You can't turn back the clocks" and who has made it his mission in life to prove it.

Obviously, with the exception of the little shit-head just mentioned, the clear fact is that of course you can turn back the clock. You can also do this by travelling to different countries where for some incomprehen-sible reason they choose to have their own time zones.

Correct saying: "I'm afraid you have completely fucked up and sadly you are now stuck with the consequences as the damage your actions have caused is irreversible. By the way, don't forget the clocks go back tomorrow night."