HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN IN 7 DAYS

A CRASH COURSE IN ETIQUETTE

By Camilla Windsor

ISBN 1-905102-16-X
£4.99, PB

The ultimate guide for Chavs who want to climb the social ladder but just can’t be bothered to spend more than a week learning how!

What is the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the banjo, but chooses not to.

HOW TO PEE POLITELY

1. Lift the lid and the loo seat – quietly. There’s no need to bang the lid on the tank and drop the seat three times. Come on lads, you’ve been at this since you were wee boys.

2. No matter how heavy-lidded you may be, keep your eye on the job. Aim straight. No gentleman pees on the bathroom tiles. (No gentleman has such a thing as a bathroom carpet by the way!) Should there be an overspill, on no account clean it up with the bathroom towel!

3. Pee quietly. In other words, no moaning, groaning or grunting. That first pee of the day sounds like the Niagara Falls all by itself, thank you.

4. Try to rein in any gas. I know you’re in the loo chaps, but if your partner is within earshot, it will put her off you before your day has even begun.

5. ABSOLUTELY NO WANKING BEFORE BREAKFAST!

6. FLUSH THE CHAIN!

7. Return the loo seat and lid to the original position. Ladies HATE falling down the toilet bowl, especially one you’ve just peed in.